why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
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Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Batman v Dracula
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Hit me in the face with a bird
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.