Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
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Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
There’s always that one guy
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more