I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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ACED my prostate exam!
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist