Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Any refunds available?…
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…