ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
This why you should mind your business
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?