Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.