This classic never gets old . . .
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Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.