I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
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*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
A small tragedy.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”