Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
me and my fake scenarios
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes