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Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
i made a craigslist ad !
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Miscakes
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.