hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
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girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
it’s the silliest best thing
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Geez man, take it easy.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.