As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow