I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
j o i m p
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.