95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”