Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
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My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
This probably isn’t good
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”