Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Wait a second…
Put this video in the Louvre
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti