“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
They grow up so quick
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Pickled cat.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Childbirth is so beautiful
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
john wicks are toilet candles
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it