Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.