*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot