new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
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If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.