“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”