“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
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Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot