[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
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Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.