This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
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Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed