My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
You Might Also Like
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.