shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Match dot com, but for socks.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.