him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
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Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.