Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
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Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!