Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
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They’re really bad with fonts.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
How do you milk an almond?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.