[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
crochet youtube is brutal
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.