ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
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I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.