The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it