Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
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*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”