*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Stonehinge
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.