My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I wish I were this cool 😂
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX