I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent