[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
me
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.