how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
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ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
yeah not falling for this one
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly