*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.