[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
ok hear me out: Luigiana
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)