If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
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You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey