Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.