Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
getting corrected
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.