waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
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[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.