I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.