If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
What number SPF blocks people?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.