Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.