It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
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me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
next level snooze
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )