[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Mistakes were made
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer