KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
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[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.